(alternate title for this post: Emotional Road Rash)
Raw. Exposed. Sore. Tender. Burning.
These words are my
emotions soul this week. I am raw, exposed, and in pain. To say my emotions are raw seems like an understatement. My spirit has been scraped, the essence of who I am grated upon until the tender layers underneath are exposed to the elements.
This week, I have had to deal with a very sensitive matter with a person I encounter daily. Most of the aspects of this matter are entirely beyond my control, and yet they affect me, and my family, deeply. My heart feels as though it’s covered in road rash. You know when you have a scrape, or hang nail, or burn that you somehow manage to forget for a millisecond until a cool breeze comes along and suddenly a moment that would normally soothe or calm you, now inflicts pain and sets your wound on fire again? It stings.
I have done my best to resolve things and restore the relationship. To no avail. Sting.
I have approached the other person with humility, respect, and love and gotten cold and callous in return. Sting.
I have gone through my days functioning normally only to have something jar me back to the reality that things are broken and I am unable to do anything further to repair them. Sting.
If I were to lay out the entire situation for you here (which I won’t), you might think I’m taking things too personally, that I’m paying it too much mind, that I’m giving it more gravity than it deserves. Perhaps I am. But at the moment, I am grieved.
I am also angry. And hurt. And saddened. And confused. I also don’t fully comprehend to what extent the fault is mine – or mine by association.
All I know is that I have done all I know to do. I have said all I can say. I cannot control the actions/thoughts/words of another. But I can control mine. And I have, and I will. It pains me that there is nothing more I can do; that further conversation only serves to deepen the damage.(if you know me at all, then you understand how devastating it is to me to not be able to put a voice to all that is churning in my heart).
One bright spot, this has propelled me straight into the arms of my Savior over and over each day. As the pain singes anew throughout the day, I run to Him and find comfort in His embrace. I can only pray that He will make all things new. That He will take the manure that is this situation and bring new life and beauty from it.
I wish I had a tidy little conclusion for a post such as this…a way to tell you how it all got resolved. But I don’t. It’s not easy for me to put this stuff out there for the world to read. It’s really difficult for me to put it all out there with no real conclusion. As much as I love authenticity, I don’t always love the mess you wade through to get to authenticity. But, I decided when I started this blog that it wouldn’t be worth it to put out there the fake, put together, have-all-the-answers me, because she doesn’t really exist. If I’m going to share myself with those who wish to walk alongside me, I need to share myself truly, or not at all. So for now, I will leave you with an expression of gratitude for your patience as you walk with me through this dark valley of My Journey.